"Gift" of singleness?
I wandered into the book store earlier this week, looking for a Piper book. But stumbled across this book instead, Getting Serious About Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness. After reading the introduction I was so intrigued I had to buy it. I haven't finished reading it, about half way through. It has, however, already rocked my world a little. In fact, along with Dr. Mohler, I would recommend this book to whoever is reading this blog, whether you're single or married. I'm not going to summarize the book (since I haven't finished reading anyways). Let me just share a little reflection from the reading so far.
I've always been rather reserved or passive when it comes to discerning God's will. Case in point, I have not been able to say with confidence that marriage is God's will for me. The reason for that hesitance is purely circumstantial. I'm still single in my mid-twenties, perhaps it's God's will for me to stay single the rest of my life? Perhaps He's given me the "gift of singleness"? Debbie Maken, the author, would give an emphatic NO!
First of all, she argues that "singleness" is not a gift. The church's teaching today has erroneously equated singleness with the gift of "celibacy", or removal of sexual desires. If singleness was a gift, why then do most singles receive this "gift" with grumbling and angst, desperately looking for the gift receipt? I have been counseled by some that I need to learn to be content with my singleness; I need to accept that perhaps God has called me to lifelong singleness. And trust me, I have tried and tried and tried to suppress my desire for marriage. I have given myself the talk "I'm better off being single", "I can do so much more ministry and stuff in life being single", or "I just don't have time for that right now". And I have been very upset and frustrated with myself many times, when that desire simply will not go away. I have thought myself weak and unspiritual for being distracted by that desire. But am I sinning by desiring marriage? Or am I simply feeling that desire naturally by God's design?
In Genesis 1:27, God created man in His own iamge... "male and female" He created them. The male-female union reflects God's image far better than either sex individually, and it is for His glory. Maken argues that it is God's will for people to marry. She says,
Often I hear singles fret, "But I don't know if it's God's will for me to get married After all, if it was God's will, wouldn't I be married by now?"... what it's boiled down to is that because they're not married now (and often don't see any prospects in the near future) they conclude that God must not want them to get married... God's will is not dependent on your circumstances or our culture or the guy you dated last year, last month, or last Friday night. God's will is dependent upon God alone and is revealed in Scripture by what He's declared to be His divine intention.
I'm very guilty of fretting and giving that statement above. But after reading and thinking over Matthew 19:4-12 and 1 Corinthians 7, I don't think I fit that category of being exempt from marriage. I'm not living in an age of famine or persecution (which is the background for 1 Cor. 7). I don't feel "called" (spiritually, practically, logically) to serve in an environment, such as some closed, war-ridden country in the middle East, where if I were to have a family their lives would be in danger. And honestly speaking, the ministry I'm being trained and prepared for (counseling, women's and youth ministry) can be done even more efficiently if I were married. So my current and future ministries simply cannot be used as an excuse for my singleness. Maken gives a careful exegetical study on those two passages. I'm not trying to sell this book, but I would encourage us to examine those passages and the rest of the Bible on this issue.
Long story short, I'm still mulling over Maken's writing. For sure my view on singleness and marriage has been challenged. And I have been challenged to examine the Scripture more carefully regarding marriage, biblical manhood and womanhood. What's been confirmed in me is that I do desire marriage, and I seek a marriage that will honor and glorify God far better than I can by myself. Maken suggests that while men are supposed to take the initiatives, there are things Christian women can do to change their single status. I haven't gotten to that part yet. Guess I'll have to read on.
posted by jennifer at 9:05 PM
11 Comments:
you know...I also saw that book at the bookstore the other day and wondered what it was about. Definitely sounds different from what I expected... You'll have to fill me in on the rest of the book. ;) Love ya girl!
11:16 AM
Jennifer,
You captured many of my thoughts on the issue. For me, the difficulty lies both with the practical hindrances of singleness as well as the greater good that could be accomplished through my ministry with a wife by my sife.
Regarding practical difficulties, I always have to find a partner when I go visiting church members at their homes. I don't have the luxury of a wife who can go with me to visit others. It also makes counseling harder. I've had a woman in an abusive relationship call me for help, yet I had to try and arrange a visit with her and actually ended up referring her to another lady in the church. My ministry could be enhanced so much with a wife.
Then, there's the issue of calling. I believe that God has called me to preach, but I'm not sure if that will lead to a missionary calling in which I continue my current ministry with hispanics. Or, will God call me to be a pastor of a local church? Either way, I would love the help of a godly wife who could be an encouragement to me and help build me up and encourage me in the specific direction that God has laid out for me, since she should know me better than anyone else would.
Also, there's the issue of singleness and the pastorate. Dr. Mohler and others believe that single men cannot be pastors, and most churches will simply prefer married men to the point that few churches would want me as their pastor. However, it's not that Dr. Mohler's theological views nor the lack of opportunities will discourage me if I confidently believed that God has called (and Scripture permits) me to be the pastor of a local church.
Anyhow, I guess it's also largely an instance of insecurities that exist in my own life and ministry. I had to confess, however, that my search for a wife had become an idol. I had almost gotten to the point that I regarded my future success, not upon the providential leading of God and His power, but upon whether or not I have a spouse. I still find myself expressing the thought that, "Life would be so much easier if I had a spouse." That may or may not be true, but I've discovered that my focus needs to be upon Jesus Christ. Instead of having Christ as the primary Treasure of my life, I have too often been putting my money into the bank of marriage. It's a hard balance to actively pursue a spouse without giving a false and inappropriate emphasis to the pursuit or seeing the end result as merely a way to enhance my ministry.
Anyhow...I digress, but you really hit a chord with me. I appreciate your honesty! It seems that the opening lines to the 2nd verse of "Before the Throne of God" can apply to the plight of a single man seeking a godly wife, for their have been many times that "Satan tempts me to despair." Of course, I think I'm often the source of my own despair, so I cannot blame Satan too much. Do you think there are any lament psalms written about singleness? Hmmm...
Anyhow, it's really been a joy getting to know you at the library, and thanks so much for the article and for your openness. It's refreshing to know that others have a hard time as well.
Blessings!
(By the way...sorry for this "novel!")
12:07 AM
What lies we've all been told by people saying the same thing as Shane. Just wait until you die. Sounds like a good plan Shane.
This book completely changed my thinking on the matter. Here we are putting off mariage for fun or achievement or we are wringing our hands saying I don't know if it's God's will for me. We don't have to play with the urim and thumim. It's not some big secret; the bible tells us God's will and it does so in the first couple pages.
Don't listen to all of the modern singleness nonsense. Read this book.
12:28 PM
Ok...I am curious to read this book now. It sounds like a bok I would kind of be put-out with. I guess this is because I do think we should be content in our singleness. #1 Contentment doesn't mean getting rid of the desire for marriage. #2 Contentment should accompany godliness (1 Tim 6:6). #3 Singles who are content right where God has them are not "delaying marriage"--as is now a popular saying at SBTS.
Overall, I think the intended reason for marriage is that God brings two of His children together in order that they might glorify Him more together than they could as singles. Marriage is all about sanctification. If God chooses to limit my sanctification to the constraints of singleness, I should count that joy! I am completely happy in the state that I am, and if I should never get married--may it be! Obviously God's plan for my ministry would then involve me having to remain single.
As for me, I'm not putting off mariage for fun or achievement, and I'm not wringing my hands saying I don't know if it's God's will for me. Yes, God's will is right in the Bible. God's will is our sanctification, period. His means equal our growth.
7:28 AM
Oh, come on, iconoclasm! That was not a "lie" Shane told, not by a long shot. As someone who struggled with singleness until recent years, what Shane said is very true. I had worked out, entirely on my own, that there was no way for me to know if singleness was my calling until I died unmarried.
Shane's words were words of encouragement, not words of putting someone in their place. You owe him an apology. If I'd heard Shane's comment and then yours 6 years ago I'd have been pretty discouraged.
lcp has the right idea for singles in her comment. If we are content where we are, relationships are only a secondary consideration. Once I reached a place where I was content with what I had relationship-wise, BAM. I met the woman who will be my wife this next month! Not everyone has this kind of experience, nor should they. But the highest goal for a single person ought to be contentment, not a spouse.
4:35 PM
I've reviewed Maken's book here
Shane, Debbie Maken's book represents what I believe to be an overreaction to the kind of nonsense you've posted here. God's will is revealed in scripture. It is clearly His revealed will that a man should not live alone. Contentment is a hollow word when spoken by one not afflicted.
Kenny, I feel your pain. I recognize the danger of making my quest for a wife into an idol.
Iconoclasm, buddy, I think this book is a bit of a pendulum swing. I don't think it will have a lasting impact on many Christians, other than to anger them.
lcp, I think you're in a good place, and I am afraid Maken's book would be a destabilizing influence.
Right before I made the final decision to attend Southern for sure this fall, I had a lengthy chat with my pastor. I was afraid that I am going to SBTS out of a sense of discontent with my job and career opportunities. He told me, frankly, that I should be discontent with my job, and that I should use that to spur me on and develop myself as an academic and a man of God. My pastor has a category for a productive kind of discontent, versus the unproductive, wallowing type, and I think he's right.
5:23 PM
Thanks, guys, for all your response. It's been actually interesting reading reactions from both sides. And I've finished reading the book. My opinion of the book has changed a little bit. I appreciate Maken's argument for marriage. I agree that marriage is God's revealed will for most of us. I desire marriage, too. But as Reapolitiklr mentioned, she seems a little angry in her writing. She seems particularly harsh on the male population. I agree that protracted singleness is a problem, but it's not all the guys' fault. This comment is not a book review. But I will retract my recommendation for the book. I noticed that I was a little disturbed after reading the book, which is not a place I need to be. I desire and seek marriage, but I pray that that will not become an idol and even a priority. My primary pursuit in life, prayerfully, should always be holiness and conformity to Christ.
12:39 AM
Reapolitiklr--thanks for the comment, but rest assured that if I end up reading the book, the only thing that won't be stable is my opinion of the author. I regularly speak and teach on this topic to others and am pretty set in what I believe.
Everyone else--I've just finished a MARVELOUS book on the topic at hand. Carolyn McCulley's "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred" is where it's at when it comes to an uplifting, godly look at singleness. It's a must-read!
7:19 AM
I thought I would mention a book that I just started yesterday. It seems like a good book, and maybe some of you are familiar with it and could say more than I can. It is "The Rich Single Life: Abundance, Opportunity & Purpose in God," and it was written by Andrew Farmer as part of Sovereign Grace Ministries' Pursuit of Godliness Series.
In the opening chapter, Farmer describes his transplant from a town in the southern U.S. to Pennsylvania, and he compares his experience of being a southern transplant in "Yankee country" (p. 1) to the feeling of being single, which he sees as the feeling of dislocation. He basically views himself as a single person living in a married person's world. He brings this to the forefront on page 3 by asking "Do you feel like a foreigner in the Kingdom of Marriage and Family?"
Anyhow, it's one more choice on the market for those interesting in books written for singles. Like I said, it's pretty much brand new to me, and I'd like to hear if anyone else is familiar with it.
Blessings to all, and I've enjoyed reading the ongoing dialogue!
6:09 PM
that's precisely why i did not read the book, jennifer. like you i stumbled upon the book. After reading the back cover i immediately put it back. I was content. However, open to marriage. But I knew if i read this book, i would be drawn into a place of weakness and discontent, placing blame on men, etc.
no thank you.
i recommend listening to:
I'd rather laugh than cry: “The Single Servant of God” - 1 Cor. 7:32
2:53 PM
I am a new student at SBTS and my wife and I just moved onto campus a few weeks ago.
We have been married since last March. Interestingly, I was 34 at the time of our marriage, and, like you, I often wondered if God's will for my life was singleness. I did, however, have a strong desire to be married so it wasn't for a lack of trying...lol. To God be the glory for bringing my wonderful wife into my life. In all the time of thinking about being married, she far exceeds all my expectations; definitely "worth the wait."
Our culture seems to look down upon men and women who are not married by their mid-twenties. I fear this possibly causes many people to rush into marriage. At the very least I believe it puts an unnecessary burden on those of us who are above the average marriage age.
Of course I can't answer what God's will is concerning you, but I thought I'd share my experience to possibly provide some encouragement so that age will not be a huge measuring stick in discerning God's will.
9:26 AM
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